Let Me Make One Thing Perfectly Clear

One perfectly clear thing in my life is that I will clearly never be perfect. I really discovered some new/old things about myself this past week. (Some are not pretty). I spent the second half of this week over-reacting, obsessing, feeling scared, and insecure. Eventually, I pulled myself out-- but wallowed far too long in the mire. I thought I was done with this sort of thing as I have devoted a good deal of time working on myself. I have read every self-help book from unknown writers to Dr. Phil. I have had some pretty good counselors who really took me on paths of my life helping me to ‘see’ and ‘recover’ myself. Much work has been done within that has changed me into a calmer, more trusting, self-appreciating gal. But, this week, I fell off the wagon. It wasn’t as hard a fall as has been in the past and the recovery was much quicker, but fall I did.

Maybe others can relate to this: I’ve worked very hard on a project at work and as I diligently and consistently work on it, obstacles beyond my control, step in and mess it up. This project has a deadline which has been extended. This project is necessary to complete in order to keep my job security.

When I found out mid-week that there was another snag, I immediately over-reacted. I then started obsessing about life, what would happen next, should I look for another job? I began imagining myself looking for other jobs. I pictured myself packing up all my belongings at work. I cried to a coworker, complained to my boss, stress ate and then bawled myself to sleep (after my hubby tried to offer intelligent words of advice which fell on pretty deaf ears because I think what I really needed was to be tickled).

The next day I began a course of proactively trying to solve the situation (again). I did not get too far, but knew I had tried. There’s the rub: I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have tried everything humanly possible to complete this mission. Everyone agrees with me (all those poor people whom I have cornered to hear my dreary tale). Knowing this--should be all I need to know in order to release this entire situation to the universe and let it be. But no, I had to worry and complain and obsess.

On the third anxiety embellished day, I finally channeled some light on my inner, worrisome soul. While speaking with a co-worker and dear friend, I told her what I had been doing to myself all week. I told her I knew that what I had to do was to stop and focus on the fact that this will all be done well and on time. I know that a person portrays what they are feeling to others and I had portrayed insecurity and instability for two days. Great. Her much-needed advice to me was rather than imagine myself packing up all my belongings, I should be picturing how I am going to add to my job.

Then I knew. I knew what I have always known. I knew that the battle lies in perspective. If I had kept my chin up and my mind focused all week, life would have been peachy. But, I chose the hard path for myself. And I wonder why. I truly do. I could blame hormones and the imbalance of peri-menopause. I know that plays a part. But, the truth in it all is that I should know better.

The good news is, as I said in the beginning, I didn’t fall as far and the bounce back was quicker. But, I’d like to see perfectly clear next time and not put myself through these things.